When we fly and experience turbulence, everyone knows to put on their own oxygen mask first before helping others. The same principle applies to us parents when things happen in the family. We need to take care of ourselves, both in small and big ways, to be there for our children when they need us the most.
Check in with yourself from time to time and see how you’re doing. You don’t have to dwell on the feeling for too long if it’s really tough, but it’s good to have a general sense of your state.
(It’s common for feelings to fluctuate greatly during a separation, whether it’s a desired breakup or not. Some process much of the breakup before the actual separation, while others are caught off guard by the decision. It’s important to know that time is often needed and that grief is not linear.)
This is one of our most important pieces of advice: dare to talk about your experiences with someone you trust. Call a good friend or book an appointment with a therapist who can provide you with extra support for a while. It doesn’t have to be for a very long time.
Think about your everyday life as it is right now. Make a mini-plan for how you will take care of yourself. Add kind routines that make you feel good, ideally every day.
It may sound a bit abstract, but this question highlights something important – that we are often much better at taking care of and being kind to others than to ourselves. Give yourself time, care, and space to process what has happened. Things will get better and calmer for most people after a separation.
Elisabeth Scholander, Family Law Attorney and Mediator, Specialized in Conflict Resolution for Families
7 August 2024
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