It's common for children with two homes to miss their parents. However, the extent to which children express their feelings varies. Strong emotions like longing and missing can lead to sensitive situations. As a parent, you can support your child in managing these feelings in a way that avoids conflicts with the child and/or the co-parent.
Almost all children with separated parents feel longing at times. Often, they don't say anything because they don't want to hurt us and are afraid of our reaction. Sometimes a simple phone call to the other parent is enough, so it’s helpful to have a set time when the child can talk privately with the parent they miss. Occasionally, such calls might stir up emotions instead, making it impossible for the other parent to comfort them after the call. If you have low confidence as a parent or a less trusting relationship with your co-parent, this longing can sting even more. Just like with preferential attachment to one parent over the other, it’s easy to blame each other for causing it. This type of conflict doesn't help the child and instead makes them afraid to show their feelings.
The best approach is to acknowledge the child’s longing, help them articulate it, and try to comfort them. You might say, "I know you miss Daddy, sweetheart, but you can’t be with him tonight. Come sit on my lap and let’s see if that helps you feel better." If the child is inconsolable and the other parent is available, sometimes you can accommodate the child and let them stay with the parent they miss for a night. This is not a failure and doesn’t mean the child will manipulate their emotions to get their way in the future. Simply say, "I saw that you were very sad and missing Mommy, so I called her to see if you could stay with her tonight. Would you like that?"
Sometimes a child might use their feelings towards their parents as a sort of trump card during arguments: "I'm going to Daddy's; he’s nice at least." This isn't longing but a way to avoid resolving conflicts. It’s better to acknowledge, "Yes, Daddy is very nice," rather than letting the child leave. Focus on the fact that this is an issue between the two of you that needs resolution.
If you’re the parent the child goes to, validate all their feelings: "Oh, I hear you were very angry with Mommy." But avoid escalating the situation. Instead, reinforce that the conflict is something they need to handle with the other parent.
Malin Bergström Child Psychologist, Associate Professor & Author
8 August 2024
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