Is it forbidden for the children to express positive feelings towards you when they are with their other parent? Is your co-parent jealous and struggles to share parenting? There are ways to handle the lack of loyalty that can contribute to building trust and helping the children. Child Psychologist Malin Bergström gives advice!
We know that cooperation and loyalty promote children's well-being, but we don't control our co-parent. Competition can feel set in stone, and one can feel helpless when being badmouthed. But relationships are living matter. How we respond to our reluctant co-parent actually affects the trust in the parenting team. At Varannan Vecka, we know and have seen how tangled parent relationships can turn into cooperation. By helping the children handle the situation, you also reduce their stress. Because it's exhausting for children not to feel free to love both their parents.
In the initial stage, one can address a badmouthing co-parent as the small person they are at the moment. One can work on building trust by being generous with information about what has worked well and what has been difficult for the children. One can encourage the children to stay in contact even during their own weeks.
If one is treated poorly during phone calls or handovers, it's best to make the contact more neutral, for example, through the Varannan Vecka app. It may feel good to withdraw, but it's important to be careful to respond. Those who remain factual and neutral can help lower the level of conflict. It's worth seeing if attacks and outbursts decrease when allowed to fall without reaction.
If information from preschool or about parental meetings at soccer stays with the co-parent, one can make sure to update contact information both at school and at the soccer club to avoid accusing one's co-parent. Those who want to argue may perceive everything that fuels the conflict as a success. By staying away and remaining neutral, one avoids fueling that fire. Anger breeds anger, and for the sake of the children, it's important to work on reducing conflicts.
To avoid fueling badmouthing and anger, one should avoid all contact channels that give one's co-parent room to maneuver. One is not obligated to listen to accusations and bitter comments. Necessary communication about the children can be handled via the parent chat in the Varannan Vecka app. It's important to only talk about the children and also close other contact channels to avoid escalating conflicts and to prevent the children from hearing you argue.
When the conflict has calmed down, one can try more relaxed forms of contact. If it becomes tense again, one must step back.
Handle handovers through preschool/school. Get help from a relative or a good friend during handovers on weekends and holidays so that you don't have to meet for a while. You can divide your participation in the children's matches, Lucia processions, and graduations so that the children's festivities are not disturbed by tense atmosphere between their parents.
The one who is badmouthed by the co-parent often worries that their own relationship with the children will be negatively affected. In such situations, it's important to have quality time with the child so that the relationship is affirmed, and the child himself notices that you are doing well together. Children are more influenced by gossip if they don't have their own positive experiences but are left to the other parent's narrative.
In addition to having a good time with the child, you also need to help them deal with the other parent's badmouthing. Of course, it's a balancing act on a loose rope. It's important not to further fuel the lack of loyalty between you as parents. At the same time, the child needs perspective and words for what's going on.
It's difficult and sensitive to talk about problematic things in one's parent relationship. It's easy to turn a blind eye and hope the child isn't affected. But children are sensitive to what's going on between their parents. When a parent explicitly or more subtly shows a lack of trust in the other parent, the child needs help putting words to what's going on. Of course, it's important to stay calm and only talk about what benefits the child. If you find yourself saying negative things about your co-parent, you put the child in an even more difficult situation.
With younger children, one can indirectly talk about the co-parent. You might say that it's so good in Sweden where everyone can like whoever they want. That love is fantastic because it doesn't end even if you waste it on several people. Children may need to hear that they never have to choose but can love you both. With very young children, you can try a story about how difficult it can be for tiger moms to share their children with tiger dads. Just because they love their tiger cubs so much.
With older children, you can try to be more direct. Explain that adults can be deeply shaken by a divorce (or whatever you believe has affected your co-parent). All children should know that it's their right to be calm and happy with both their parents. If the child is open to talking, you can tell them more about how you see the situation and how you think it arose. Above all, it's important to talk to the child about how you plan to change this. Humor and fun are great for turning sensitive situations around. It's also important to pay attention if the child goes into defense mode and then immediately step back.
Of course, children are affected by what a parent says and does. An open conversational climate about what's difficult helps the child become freer. Even young children pay attention to people's intentions. Talking about what might be behind people's feelings and behavior can help them understand the situation better.
Because children are often loyal to all their family members, their defense mechanisms may wake up if they feel you're criticizing their other parent. It's particularly sensitive if you put yourself on a high horse and have difficulty admitting your own shortcomings and difficulties. Before discussing what might be difficult for the other parent, it's good if you can be open about your own difficulties or shortcomings. However, one must be careful with this balance. Self-examination that feels good for oneself can harm the child. The purpose of these conversations is to facilitate for the child. It's possible to be authentic and honest without saying too much. Children can be excellent guides. Therefore, read the child's reactions and step back and start over when the child withdraws or becomes angry.
Sometimes things go wrong. Even if you promised your child not to get involved in conflicts and to be respectful to your co-parent, your mood can get the better of you, and you can fail. If so, stand by it in front of the child, apologize, and continue to try. Being an adult doesn't mean never making mistakes. It rather means standing by your mistakes and working on not repeating them.
When you're really tired of your co-parent and have difficulty seeing their value, it can help to try to see them through the eyes of the child. In what ways are they important to the child? What is important and valuable to the child today and in the future? How do you complement each other? Get help from others in your surroundings to list the good things about your co-parent. Seeing their merits gives you the opportunity to understand and strengthen that parent in front of the children.
Many younger children who live alternatingly handle the transitions between their worlds by erasing the parent they're not currently living with. Even parents with warm relationships report children who don't greet or even recognize them if they come across them in the "wrong" week. It can be young children's way of dealing with their longing. They shut off and live in the here and now instead of thinking about the one they miss. When one parent badmouths the other, this mechanism can help the child. Even if the child is pressured to favor their other parent, this can dissipate in their other home.
Malin Bergström Child Psychologist, Associate Professor & Author
6 maj 2024
"The turning point came when we found the Every Other Week app. There's less fuss and both of us have a better handle on things. It feels so great!”
"Thank you so much for this app, it has finally gotten us to communicate!”
