When parents get divorced, life can be a bit upside down for a while. As a child, it can be reassuring to know that there are different stages the family goes through. It can be a challenging time if you have to move and haven't yet adjusted to everything new. But eventually, things usually get easier and better for many! Keeping this in mind can be comforting if you feel sad about all the changes in your family, which is common for many kids when their parents divorce.
The first phase often involves the half or fully sour atmosphere that exists between parents before they decide to divorce. When their love ends, it usually shows by them not being as happy and relaxed as usual. But as a child, you might not notice anything.
You hear them arguing at night and slamming doors. Some children have trouble sleeping and worry that their parents might divorce. It's almost always tough for kids when parents fight. Even babies get stressed when parents argue!
Parents who argue a lot or are often angry with each other might decide to divorce to reduce the fights. Living separately can help them avoid arguments. Often, they feel the need to protect you from the fights but can't stop arguing as long as they live together.
When parents decide to divorce and stop fighting, the divorce can actually be beneficial for the children (even if it doesn't feel that way in the middle of it). It usually becomes calmer and better for both children and parents after some time.
With some parents, you might not notice anything before they announce their divorce. As a child, you might think everything is normal and feel shocked when they tell you. It can be scary to realize something was happening without you noticing. You might wonder if there are other terrible things you’re unaware of. But it can also be a sign that you've been living your life just as you should! Kids should be fully absorbed in their own lives with school, friends, and interests.
If you haven't noticed your parents having problems, the divorce usually isn't because they are particularly angry with each other. Instead, they might not enjoy being together and don’t feel satisfied. They think life and the family will be better when living in two homes.
The next phase is when parents find separate places to live. Now, they must agree on how the family will function. When will you live with whom, and how often will you move? In some families, it’s obvious, like living every other week with each parent. Others might argue about the schedule. As a child, you have the right to say how you want to live. Your parents must listen to you, but ultimately, they make the decisions.
Parents should decide what’s best for you as a child. But they must also consider your wishes. Often, things work out even if it’s not exactly what you wanted. You can also try different arrangements.
It’s impossible to decide on something that will last forever. You won’t know until you try what will be comfortable.
This is usually the hardest period. Parents often focus on the logistics and feel guilty about the situation. This is unfortunate because children really need support and to know how everything will work out. It can be tough to change schools or move away from friends. You might also have to share a room in the new home or live in a less attractive house or apartment.
Many kids initially dislike moving and living every other week. It can be hard to keep track of your things, and you might miss the parent you’re not with. It might feel like life has become more complicated and worse. You might also worry about how your parents are doing.
During this phase, it means a lot if parents make an effort to make things as good as possible. It’s easier to cope with moving if they help you with laundry, packing, and carrying your things. Routines are helpful in this phase. Some families cook the same favorite meal the first evening you arrive and do something special at the end of the week before you move again. It’s also important for parents to help you get to school, friends, and activities, especially if you have a longer commute or need to find your way from a new place.
If there has been a lot of fighting and chaos at home, this period can feel tough but also calmer if the parents stop arguing. Researchers find that prolonged parental conflict is the hardest for children, regardless of whether the parents live together or not.
After a few months of living in the new homes post-divorce, it usually starts to feel like a new normal. Now, it’s especially important for daily life to be calm and consistent. After all the changes, you need time to rest and understand what to expect. Sometimes feelings of sadness or anger emerge now when things calm down. This might be because you finally have time to process your emotions. For those who were very angry and sad during the divorce, these feelings might lessen and disappear now.
Some families need to adjust the living arrangements to find a rhythm that works for everyone. The most important thing for most people is for life to become calm and feel normal again. Only then can you focus on things you cared about before the divorce. Ideally, you might also gain a sense of resilience, knowing that you can get through tough times and come out okay.
We hope you, as a child, find this text "How Divorce Works" helpful! If you have any questions or concerns, you can email us at hello@varannanvecka.app. ❤️
Malin Bergström Child Psychologist, Associate Professor & Author
8 August 2024
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