Divorces are common. More than half of all parents separate. But even though it’s common, it often means a crisis for parents, even if they are the ones who chose to divorce. During crises, people don’t act as they usually do. When everything in life changes, it can feel like losing oneself and forgetting how things are normally done. Here, you as a child can read more about how parents might feel, giving you a better chance to understand why they act the way they do
When parents are in crisis, children can be especially affected. You are forced into many changes that you didn’t choose yourself. Additionally, your parents might not function very well during the divorce. They might forget to do the laundry, cook less tasty meals, and miss things they usually keep track of. This is partly because they have so much else to deal with. They need to agree on finances, who will live where, and how the custody schedule will work. They also have a lot of crisis-related feelings. They might panic about what they’ve caused, worry about how they will manage on their own, or feel abandoned. But most of all, separated parents usually feel guilty about the divorce because they know it’s hard on the children.
How parents react depends partly on whether they wanted the divorce or not. Many parents decide on the divorce together. Sometimes one wants to leave while the other wants to stay together. It’s a bit more common for mothers to initiate divorce than fathers. Regardless of whether it’s one parent or both who decided to divorce, it stems from how their romantic relationship has been. The divorce is usually hardest at the beginning for the parent who didn’t want it. But as weeks go by, feelings tend to change.
It’s typical for anyone in a crisis – feelings and thoughts can change quickly.
It’s common for parents to be extra emotional during a divorce. They might swing between being very happy, angry, and sad, all in the same day. This is how people function in a crisis. They tend to lose control more easily.
It can be very tough to see your parents like this. It might feel like you can’t rely on them the same way as usual. But losing control of their emotions can actually help separated parents. It makes it easier for them to get used to all the changes that come with a divorce. What’s important is that the crisis feelings fade after the divorce. Children need a new, stable routine where parents are more like their usual selves again.
Here are examples of feelings that separated parents might experience. These feelings can come all at once and change quickly.
It’s common for separated parents to feel ashamed and guilty about the divorce. When you feel ashamed, it’s like you’ve done something wrong. You might regret it but still feel it’s necessary. It also makes you feel powerless, like you can’t control your life.
Shame and guilt are tricky feelings. They make you silent and want to withdraw. You blame yourself and find it hard to be happy and calm. Shame also taints other feelings. It can prevent you from feeling happy because you might think you don’t deserve to be happy.
Guilt also affects your thinking. You become bad at making decisions because you don’t trust your own judgment. You can become self-centered and find it hard to think about how others – like your child – are feeling because you’re preoccupied with guilt.
For most parents, guilt feelings calm down after they’ve separated. As a child, it can be hard to understand why parents choose to divorce when they feel guilty and ashamed. But most parents divorce because they feel they have no choice. They might panic about how things will be for the children at first. But often, they believe things will get better later. They think they’ll become happier, calmer, and better parents. And often, they do! But it usually takes a while before that happens.
Another common crisis feeling in parents is anger. Arguments are a common reason for divorce, and right during the divorce, it’s common for parents to be angry with each other. The anger often stems from disagreements as parents. But it can also come from guilt. When you feel ashamed, it’s easy to want to blame someone else for everything that’s wrong. That way, you don’t have to see what you’ve done wrong yourself.
Anger usually calms down after the divorce, too. But some parents refuse to let it go. This can be tough for children. Anger prevents parents from being calm and happy. Plus, it can be scary if a parent gets angry easily. It’s good to know that parents can get help with their anger. There are psychologists and other therapists who can help parents, either individually or together.
Many parents feel sad during a divorce. They think about everything they’re losing and what they’re putting the children through. For many, it’s sad that the family won’t stay together. They might have dreamed of the family being forever. A parent who didn’t want the divorce can mourn being left. It’s common to wonder what they did wrong. Even the parent who wanted the divorce can feel sad, feeling they had no choice.
It can be scary to see your parents sad. You might feel you need to be extra kind and calm to help them feel better. You might try not to show if you’re sad or worried to protect your parent.
But sadness isn’t necessarily a bad feeling during a divorce. You can actually think of it the other way around. If you’re not sad when divorcing, it’s like the family didn’t mean much.
Often, being together helps when you’re sad. It can be comforting just for someone to say they see you’re sad. You can also do things together that cheer you up. This way, the sadness can disappear for a while and become easier to handle.
It’s common for parents to become restless and get extra energy during a divorce. Instead of listening to what you say, they might rush around, fixing things, constantly thinking about something else. They become less patient and might talk unusually loudly and quickly. This is a reaction to being in crisis, with something ending and something new not quite starting. The brain goes into survival mode, and the stress makes them think more about the future than the present.
Since a divorce is tough for children too, you need at least a moment of calm each day when your parent listens to you. It can be when they pick you up from an activity, after dinner, or when you’re going to sleep. Telling your parent that you’d like these moments can help them realize how restless they are. It’s common for parents to switch between restlessness and fatigue. Later, after the divorce, these swings usually calm down, and their energy becomes more like normal. This is a sign that the crisis is over.
Some parents don’t get angry or sad but rather become gray and silent. When experiencing something stressful, it can be a survival function. They shut down to cope. Slowly, this shutdown usually eases. Suddenly, you might get a hug or hear your parent laugh again. Sometimes it’s only then that you realize how cold and quiet they had been.
Being cold and shut down can also be a sign of deep anger and hurt. The parent might feel the divorce is unfair or be angry at the other parent. Being silent and shut down can be a sort of protection, letting the feelings calm down and eventually pass. What’s important is that the parent doesn’t stay silent forever. After about six months, it’s good if they can start talking about what they feel instead of just being silent. There are psychologists and other therapists who can help parents feeling like this. For some parents, spending time with friends (or their children), exercising, or doing something they enjoy can help. They start feeling better when they see and do other things.
For some parents (and children), divorce can actually be a relief! If there was a lot of fighting or tension in the family, it can be freeing to get divorced. The parent might feel they can be themselves again. For children, it can be nice to see their parent happy, spending time together and doing fun things.
But you might also feel guilty if the other parent isn’t as happy. You might feel bad if you’re happy and doing well. It’s important to remember that you have the right to feel good. Separated parents almost always want their children to be happy and well!
It’s especially important to have fun and enjoy yourself when times are tough. It helps you cope. Being happy sometimes doesn’t mean you can’t also feel sad and angry. Or that you’ve stopped caring about what happened. All feelings can exist at the same time. But happiness helps to calm the other feelings.
Malin Bergström, Child Psychologist, Associate Professor & Author
8 August 2024
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