The way we parents choose to communicate during and after a separation plays a significant role in our children's well-being. As parents, we have everything to gain by respecting each other’s privacy and being generous with information about our children. However, maintaining good communication can sometimes be challenging, even with the best intentions.
If you find it difficult to remain neutral with your co-parent, try interacting with them as you would with a colleague at work whom you struggle to get along with. Be "professional" and avoid taking on the roles of either the boss or the assistant.
Neither of you has the right to be bossy—whether you feel wronged or guilty, or even if you were the one who spent more time with the children during your relationship. Communication is usually most effective when you approach each other as equals. It’s better to discuss and reason together rather than giving orders or making demands. This approach typically keeps conflicts to a minimum.
Did You Know? The Varannan Vecka app doesn’t have an admin feature, meaning both parents have equal space and influence within the app. This makes it easier to plan your own time, share information that you would have written down for yourself anyway, and build trust between you and your co-parent.
Direct your energy toward what you can control! This includes how the children are doing when they’re with you and how you communicate with your co-parent. Instead of imposing advice or stepping in as the "voice of the child," ask if you can offer suggestions or share your thoughts. If your co-parent declines, respect that decision.
If communication between you and your co-parent is strained, it can be helpful for both you and the children to agree on what you’ll communicate about (the children, practical matters) and how you’ll communicate.
Tip! Use the app’s tools to plan and share information, and manage everything through the app if you need some extra space from each other right now. This will leave you with more time and energy for other things, like focusing on the children. The Varannan Vecka app allows you to collectively (or individually) decide on topics that are strictly about the children and stick to those.
You may need more frequent communication if...
You might need less contact (and be more businesslike in your communication) if...
Depending on the children's ages, it’s wise for you as a parenting team to agree on how and when communication should take place when the children are with the other parent. Of course, the children’s needs should be the priority, but there are a few other factors to consider when making these decisions.
While it’s sweet for a parent to reach out because they miss their child or want to show they’re thinking of them, this can sometimes disrupt the child’s adjustment or prevent them from “settling in” with the other parent. It’s usually better if the children take the initiative to reach out.
If the children are school-aged and have their own phones, they can manage communication themselves. Keep in mind that it’s not uncommon for children to “switch off” the parent they’re not currently with.
Children are often sensitive to the emotions of their parents. They may avoid contact if they sense that the parent they’re with becomes upset or sad. In such cases, children might suppress their own needs to protect and comfort that parent.
Many parenting teams establish a basic rule that the child should initiate communication. You can also agree on specific times for calling or FaceTiming. It’s important to be considerate and respectful of what works best for the parent the children are with at the time. Some parents also have an agreement where the parent with the children first checks in with the other parent to see if it’s a good time for the children to make contact.
There’s no right or wrong approach as long as you can agree, and both you and the children feel it’s working. However, if communication leads to negative emotions and becomes distressing for the children, it’s essential to set up a clear structure for communication with the child and stick to it.
Malin Bergström Child Psychologist, Associate Professor & Author
8 August 2024
"The turning point came when we found the Every Other Week app. There's less fuss and both of us have a better handle on things. It feels so great!”
"Thank you so much for this app, it has finally gotten us to communicate!”
