Discussing a separation with your children is a conversation many parents dread. However, children often understand more than we think, and it's crucial not to delay this discussion for their sake. Here, child psychologist Malin Bergström from Varannan Vecka explains why it’s so important to talk to your children.
It’s difficult because parents are supposed to be their children’s source of security and stability. During a separation, it’s us adults who are unsettling their world. We are not stable and are breaking an essential contract with our children. We often delay the conversation because no parent wants to make their child sad.
Yes. When we are in crisis, our brain is in survival mode, making it difficult to find the right words. Our mental capacity focuses on the basics – survival, daily routines, and simple solutions. The brain works overtime to process the changes we’re facing. The price for this is that our sharpness, creativity, and logic are on hold. We find it harder to be empathetic and understand others' needs. Until we’ve processed our experiences, it’s challenging to make the situation understandable for our children. Even if we believe the divorce will lead to something better for us, it can be hard to feel it benefits the children. Making them sad while trying to convey security and hope is difficult when the rug has just been pulled out from under our own lives.
Yes, it’s important because once you tell them, the separation becomes real and discussable for everyone. What the children might have sensed gets an explanation. Even though the truth can hurt, it can be worse to sense something and have to carry it alone. When children know, they get the opportunity to share their questions and thoughts. Children are often good at reading emotional atmospheres and interpreting non-verbal communication.
Most parents choose to talk to their children about the separation together. It shows that you both are still present and can talk together. You both know what has been said and have seen the reactions, which helps in future communication about how to address and handle questions and reactions. A fruitful joint conversation requires you to put aside your differences and emotions. The conversation is an opportunity to show that despite the separation, you will function as a parenting team that will continue to care for your child. If you can find or maintain such a functioning team, the consequences of the divorce will be less severe.
Understand that for children, the conversation is just the beginning of understanding and eventually accepting that the family will function in a new way. Children absorb emotionally charged information in stages, and questions and thoughts will arise over time.
It’s good to have a plan for what to do after you’ve told them. It’s common for children to withdraw and show that they want to process what they’ve heard on their own. Follow them and show that you’re there, but keep your distance if they want you to. Don’t force a conversation, but show that you’re ready to talk when they initiate it. Stay close even if you can’t directly comfort them. Maybe sit outside the closed door. Make your presence known without pestering. It’s not the child’s job to comfort the adult.
Prepare if one of you will leave immediately. Explain when the children will see that parent again and the contact they can have digitally. Ensure you’re available in the first days even if you’re not home with the children. Suggest relaxed activities or things you can help with.
Malin Bergström Child Psychologist, Associate Professor & Author
7 August 2024
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