It's important for children to feel that they can come to you with anything, and that you're always available to talk or offer support. But it's not just about saying that you're there for them – it's about taking action and being present. These conversations often come up when you least expect them – like when you're in the middle of making dinner and your teenager is shoving a mountain of sandwiches into their mouth right before you sit down to eat. Here's more on how you can build trust and create a positive dialogue with your child.
Invite your child to talk about the upcoming changes to their family by sharing a picture from last summer. You can point out that this year will be different, with each parent taking turns spending time with the children. As you talk about what has happened and what is to come, you help your child put together their picture of the family change.
Invite your child to talk about the upcoming changes to their family by sharing a picture from last summer. You can point out that this year will be different, with each parent taking turns spending time with the children. As you talk about what has happened and what is to come, you help your child put together their picture of the family change.
Often it's good to just listen. Take your child's feelings seriously and listen without giving advice, explanations, or opinions about how they should feel instead. Put yourself in your child's situation and convey understanding. Maybe you can try to put the feelings into words yourself by, for example, saying: "When you tell me this, you seem stressed and worried about moving between us, is that right? These kinds of conversations help the child to understand more of what they are feeling and thinking.
You may have your own need to get understanding on how you have acted during the separation, but if the child is angry or accusing, you should avoid going into defense. When you feel like talking about how things really are, bite your tongue. The conversation should not be about the child getting the same picture as you of the divorce, but about you getting to hear how the child experiences it. The temptation to describe things that have happened between you parents can be great, but only tell things that benefit the child.
Let the child finish talking without interrupting. Check that you have understood everything correctly and if you get to share your views on the matter. Feel free to ask follow-up questions that are not simply yes or no, but that instead encourage more storytelling. To show that you are listening, you can hum, nod, or say things like, "And then...?", "How does that make you feel?", "What do you think about it?"
Do you find it difficult to listen and have a good conversation? You can try focusing on the emotional nuances in what the child is saying. The explanations of how difficult it is to drag the floorball stick and sports clothes between the homes can actually be about being sad about the divorce. If you can catch the feelings behind the words, the conversation can lead to the child feeling understood and confirmed.
Instead of explaining that you all actually have to bite the bullet now that dad has chosen to move, the feeling after the conversation is different. So let your follow-up questions focus on what the child feels: "Does that mean you're sad and angry that you have to live in two places and fight with everything that comes with it?"
If your child chooses to talk about their other parent, listen without involving your own emotions and opinions. Try to understand together what has happened between them and what feels difficult. When the child tells you about their other parent, they are trusting you. Managing that trust in regards to the other parent is a balancing act between being loyal to the coparent and being loyal to the child. Of course, you would never use such trust as an opportunity to slander, yell, or speak badly about your coparent. You also should not underestimate the child by always being strictly loyal to the parent.
The balancing act can be to validate the child's feelings, perhaps through your own knowledge of the coparent, without breaking loyalty to your coparent. Instead of suggesting solutions, you can encourage the child to talk to his or her other parent, if you believe it is a viable option. If your coparent has behaved badly, you can ask if you should talk to him or her together. Another possibility is that you bring it up with the coparent. Respect how the child wants us to deal with it.
Malin Bergström Child Psychologist, Associate Professor & Author
3 May 2024
"The turning point came when we found the Every Other Week app. There's less fuss and both of us have a better handle on things. It feels so great!”
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