It can be tough when your parents get divorced. Some kids actually feel better when their parents separate because it brings more peace at home. We've put together some tips and advice for you if your parents are going through a divorce. We know that sometimes parents get so caught up in their own feelings that they forget to focus on their kids during this time.
Do your parents keep asking how you’re feeling all the time? This might be because they feel guilty about the divorce. Some parents genuinely want to know so they can help, but others ask just to ease their own guilt. They hope you'll say everything is fine so they can feel better. But you don’t have to pretend everything is okay just to make them feel better.
It’s easy to want to comfort your parents by pretending everything is okay, but in the long run, this can hurt you. If you feel brave enough, it’s better to be honest. Sometimes, being honest about how you really feel can even help your parents stop focusing so much on themselves and start realizing that they need to support you.
Some parents are angry and blame each other during a divorce. Sometimes, they don’t just fight—they also badmouth each other. Maybe they vent to relatives or friends, or worse, they might even talk badly about the other parent to you. This kind of talk is harmful to kids. Most kids love both their parents, and even if you’re angry with one of them, it’s not healthy for that anger to be fueled by the other parent.
In these situations, it’s important to be brave and tell the badmouthing parent to stop. You could say something like, “I really don’t want to hear this.” Parents sometimes need to be reminded that they’re both still your parents, and you want them to act that way. If relatives or family friends are the ones badmouthing, you can ask your parent to tell them to stop. You can also let them know you don’t want to be around people who talk badly about your other parent. They need to understand that their words are making your life harder.
For some parents, the divorce takes all their energy. They might be so sad and exhausted that they barely have the strength to set up their new home. Some people react this way to big changes and intense feelings. As a kid, it’s easy to feel scared and worry that your parent might never get back to normal. But for most adults, this is just a phase while they adjust to their new lives. Even so, it can be scary. You might feel like you need to be extra cheerful and helpful to lift their spirits, which can be especially hard when you’re feeling worried too.
The best thing to do when your parents are feeling this way is to get help from another adult. Everything becomes easier when someone else can come over and help get things in order, make sure there’s some conversation at the dinner table, or help with tasks your parent can’t handle right now. It might be hard to ask for help because it feels like you’re telling on your parent, but it’s important to find someone to talk to. This usually helps the parent feel better too, which is good for everyone. If the first adult you talk to doesn’t understand or respond the way you’d hoped, try talking to someone else. There’s often help available at school from a teacher or counselor who can help connect you with your parent, even if they’re caught up in their own world.
It’s common for parents to fight, both before and during a divorce. Things usually calm down after they’ve separated and settled into new routines, but some parents keep fighting. This kind of conflict always hurts kids. All people get stressed by arguments, but kids are especially stressed when their parents fight. If your parents disagree, they need to learn how to accept it.
Of course, it’s great if you feel strong enough to tell your parents to stop fighting. But you can also talk to another adult who can tell them to stop. This isn’t tattling—it’s your right. The most important thing in a family is that the kids are okay, and parents are responsible for creating a good life for their children.
We hope you found this article, It's Okay to Say Everything Isn’t Okay, helpful! If you have any questions or thoughts, feel free to email us at hello@varannanvecka.app. ❤️
Malin Bergström Child Psychologist, Associate Professor & Author
8 August 2024
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