One of the most common questions parents face during a separation is how their child should live. What will relationships look like, and how can you continue your parenting roles? Several factors influence what’s best. For some, shared custody is the ideal solution, while other children may need to live primarily with one parent. It's essential to understand key information to make informed decisions about your child's living situation.
The division of your child’s living arrangements should feel smooth and fair, providing what the child needs. When planning, the crucial factor is your ability to create a stable daily routine for your child. Does your child need frequent contact with a specific parent? Is your teenager busy with their own life and needs two parents to keep track of things? Other important factors include your living situations, work schedules, finances, health, caregiving abilities, and parental involvement. All decisions regarding your child’s living arrangements should be made with the child’s best interest in mind, considering your circumstances.
It's more important that your child feels comfortable and happy with their living arrangements than that it feels fair to both parents.
Malin Bergström, Child Psychologist and Researcher
Most parents share custody of their child, meaning they make joint decisions about living arrangements and other important issues. If one parent has sole custody, they have the authority to decide on living arrangements. Regardless of the custody arrangement, maintaining open communication and cooperation within the parenting team is crucial.
Shared custody means the child has two homes and spends roughly equal time with both parents. Research on children's health and well-being after separation shows that regular contact with both parents benefits many children. Studies indicate that children from around three years old generally do well in shared custody (reliable studies for younger children are lacking).
However, shared custody might not be suitable for every child and family. Different living arrangements may work better during different periods. The common model of alternating weeks often suits many children (and parents), offering an even (fair) time division that's easy to track. However, the schedule can be flexible, so plan according to what works best for your family.
Shared custody can vary in timing, such as 7+7 days (alternating weeks) or shorter intervals like 2+2+3+3 days. For children who struggle with transitions, longer periods may be preferable, while frequent changes might suit those who miss the other parent. Young children might move several times a week, school-age children might change weekly, and teenagers might prefer bi-weekly arrangements.
Finding nearby homes can be challenging after a separation. Some parents unintentionally overlook their child's needs by moving far apart. While adults might need physical distance, it can be tough for the child. Long distances can lead to exhaustion from travel and the need to live with just one parent, which isn't ideal for children wanting to be with both parents.
Try to find homes in the same neighborhood, on the same bus route, or at least in the same community. This allows your child to move between homes easily and maintain their routine. It also simplifies things for you when the child can safely navigate their surroundings without constant transportation.
For children living in two homes, a mid-week visit or "booster" day with the other parent can help reduce longing. Having fixed days also makes it easier for parents to manage activities and responsibilities.
Alternate living custody doesn’t have to mean equal overnight stays. Adjusting the schedule to accommodate school, activities, and work can benefit everyone. If the child need to live more in one home, extended weekends or a few evenings a week with the other parent can be a good alternative. If staying overnight in both homes is difficult, parents can still share responsibilities like picking up from school, helping with homework, attending activities, or sharing meals.
Sometimes, it’s best for the child to live with one parent and have visitation with the other. If the child spends less than a third of the time with one parent, it’s considered visitation rather than shared custody. The child might need a stable base with fewer transitions, especially if the parents live far apart.
For parents who have full time responsibility for the child the responsibility often mirrors pre-separation dynamics. The advantage here is predictability and avoiding compromises or longing. However, the challenges include managing energy, social activities, and ensuring meaningful interaction with the other parent. If the child misses the other parent, it’s essential to encourage and facilitate their relationship.
Full-time custodial parents are entitled to child support from the other parent. However, your finances aren’t just affected by child-related expenses. Your work life may also be impacted by taking on all sick days and adjusting work hours for your child’s needs.
As a single parent, ensuring that daycare, school, and extracurricular activities fit both your and your child’s schedules is crucial. Involve your network of family and friends for support and relief. Remember, other important adults in your child’s life can also take sick leave to care for them, which is invaluable for sharing responsibilities.
Consider how to maintain your contributions, such as shared interests, relatives, and family friends. Fit as much quality time as possible into your limited schedule. Helping out the custodial parent benefits your child as well.
If there are no major conflicts, it’s beneficial for both the custodial and visiting parents to stay involved with the child. Share information, attend parent-teacher conferences (in person or virtually), and participate in your child’s activities.
Regardless of the living arrangements, try to ensure your child spends time with both parents on weekdays and weekends. Managing daily routines alone can be tough, but only seeing your child on weekends means missing out on everyday activities. Engaging with teachers and coaches is part of parenting, and weekend-only parents might miss this. Balancing time helps both parents stay connected to all aspects of the child’s life.
Living and visitation schedules may need to be discussed, tested, and adjusted multiple times. Even with an equal time agreement, flexibility is crucial. Your child is an essential family member, and their needs and desires must be considered alongside your jobs, commitments, and practicalities. Meeting your child’s needs doesn’t necessarily mean more time with the favored parent. The less favored parent can still engage through after-school activities or half-day weekend visits. Building strong bonds together reduces inequality.
Malin Bergström Child psychologist, associate professor & author
5 augusti 2024
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