Separation brings the loss of things that have been taken for granted. This can include relationships with friends and family members that come to an end or dreams that are shattered. As parents, we can help our children manage the separation. But we also need to take care of ourselves in our own losses.
On the other side of the divorce, life may have settled on a new stable foundation. But until then, the thought of everything lost in the separation can sting. When the feeling of endless loss is at its strongest, it can help to cherish the thought of a better life ahead, both for yourself and your children. It might take months or half a year. Therefore, create a vision or a fantasy to escape to. Perhaps it’s about a cozy new home where everyday life is stable again. Maybe you imagine a new romance, someone who lights up your life and makes you feel alive and attractive.
The loss of a relationship can feel like losing a part of yourself. You might barely remember who you were without your partner. When a relationship ends, it means reclaiming your own identity. Relationships shape us, and when they end, other aspects of our personality can take up more space. The feeling of loneliness can hover over you and color your view of the world, and the process of creating a new identity without your partner can take a long time. Fear, confusion, and bitterness can be very palpable at first and need to subside before the new can take place. In the long run, it may require a conscious effort to move forward and not get stuck in feelings of loss and bitterness. Those who have gone through this process often describe maturing and finding new security in themselves.
Losing your partner might also mean having to acquire new practical skills. For those who are inexperienced, everyday chores like paying bills or cooking dinner can feel overwhelming. However, gaining an overview of what your partner was responsible for can help you grow. You might make a list of things you need to learn and start with what seems least complicated. As you succeed, both your confidence and competence will grow.
The financial standard you had as a couple changes when you need to live in two places. Especially if you did not want the separation, losing the financial security and standard you were used to can be painful. It might feel trivial or superficial to mourn your house or apartment, but often the home symbolizes the dreams and ambitions you had as a couple and parents. The financial worry is not just about yourself. Guilt towards the children is common, and the idea that they are financially affected can amplify those feelings.
It can also feel like a loss to no longer belong to a nuclear family. Even if we have no normative ideas about what types of families are acceptable for others, our open-mindedness can falter when it comes to ourselves. Being divorced or single can feel like a failure, as if you are selfish and not putting the children first – as if marital status says something about a person’s character. You might also lose a social safety net or a social position that was taken for granted as part of a couple.
Malin Bergström Child Psychologist, Associate Professor & Author
7 August 2024
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