Tough Questions – How Do You Respond?

Common Questions About the Separation

“Do you still love each other?”

No, not as a couple, which is why we’re separating. But we love you and we’re going to be parents who love being parents together.

“Will you ever get back together?”

No, our love for each other has ended.

“Who wants the divorce?”

Answer honestly if it wasn’t a mutual decision. Avoid adult explanations and blaming each other. Even if one of you wants the divorce, the reason for it lies in how things have been between you. Acknowledge if you’re sad or angry right now, but explain that these feelings will fade. Don’t lie, but also don’t provide more information than the child is asking for.

“Has one of you met someone else or been unfaithful?”

This is a delicate balance between honesty and over-sharing. The focus could shift to the new relationship or infidelity. If infidelity is a factor in the divorce, it should be mentioned. Base your response on what you think is in the child’s best interest, not on what feels good to say. If the new person was a brief affair or won’t be involved in the child’s life, you might choose to steer away from that topic. “This is about the three of us, and that’s what we want to talk about now.” You might confirm, “Yes, Mom has met someone, but our divorce is about how Mom and I have been together.” If the child has heard or suspected someone else is involved, they need confirmation.

“Why can’t I be with both of you all the time?”

Because Mom and I aren’t happy living together. We want to live in separate places to feel happier and more relaxed. You’ll get to be with both of us, but not at the same time.

“Will the whole family never be together again?”

If you plan to spend time together, describe how that will happen. Will it involve shared birthdays and school events or occasionally having coffee or dinner together? If you won’t be spending time together, explain that. Perhaps say that it feels too awkward to meet up as a group, so you won’t all be together at the same time. Hopefully, it will feel easier in the future, but you can’t promise that.

Summary

• Answer your child's questions honestly but avoid giving too much information.
• Avoid adult explanations and blaming each other. Acknowledge if you’re sad or angry right now, but explain that these feelings will fade.
• Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
• Try to give your child hope and reassurance that even though things are difficult right now, they usually get better after the separation.

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