The risk of disappearing from a child's life after a divorce is higher if you haven't been involved in the child's daily life while living together. For instance, if you have chosen not to take parental leave, the risk increases. Losing contact with a parent raises questions for the child, even if the parent wasn't previously engaged.
The loss of a parent or important adult can significantly impact a child's life and well-being. Children need help from the remaining parent to talk and process their feelings. The child may wonder why they were abandoned and if they are unimportant. Explaining why the other parent cannot or does not want to meet is not badmouthing them – it’s crucial to discuss. Talking about difficult subjects makes the situation understandable. We help the child put their experiences into words, aiding them in understanding their reactions and emotions.
Of course, you should respect if the child does not want to talk, but gently revisit the topic occasionally to see if a conversation can be started. Be prepared for questions to arise unexpectedly, like in the grocery store line. Try to meet the child’s needs in that moment, even if you can't discuss in detail. Revisit the conversation at a calmer time soon after the child showed interest.
A broken contact can also be initiated by the child. This could be due to temporary anger at the parent who left the family or has a new partner. It might also be because the relationship with the adult is harmful or even dangerous. In this situation, the child also needs support. The child needs to talk about their feelings, whether it's disappointment, anger, or fear. Provide security by being available to talk when the child wants or just spending time together.
It's neither desirable nor possible to ignore a missing parent. Many children know too little about their absent parent and create a fantasy that can be far from reality. While this fantasy may provide comfort, it is a poor substitute for a parent. It means a lot to the child to help fill the void and provide a sense of context. Even if clear answers and explanations are not possible, a shared narrative is more valuable than one the child creates alone.
Malin Bergström Child Psychologist, Associate Professor & Author
8 August 2024
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