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Parents   »   The child comes first!

The child comes first!

It is difficult to put the child first when one’s adult life is in crisis and one feels fragile. The starting point for us at Varannan Vecka is, just like for you, that the children are most important to take care of in the divorce. Our guiding star is to contribute with knowledge and tips on how to separate with the child’s best interests in focus.

Here you can read more about what children need from you as a parent or close relative during and after the separation. The child must come first as often as possible!

Confirm the child

Children need to have their feelings and reactions confirmed. They need to feel that you as a parent can see how they are doing. Confirmation can be a hug, a few words or that you arrange a cozy moment for you together.

Tick the boxes every day

Do a mental check-off with yourself. Did you get a chance to show that you care today? We as parents also need to convey hope. Describe how you intend things to be in a month or a year. What do you have to look forward to together? If you look back at the past week, have you been able to strengthen the child in that you are on your way to something better?

The best interest of the child is crucial in all decisions

The child’s safety has to be the starting point when deciding on housing and parental contact after the separation. Of course, contact is facilitated if the child lives with both so that you can help and support the child in everyday life. For some, relationships get a boost after the divorce when taking care of the child on their own. Many parents describe how they have become closer with their child in that way. But your availability as a parent changes dramatically when you no longer live together all the time. You get less insight into the child’s entire life when you no longer meet the child daily. But you can still show that you are there when the child needs one. Even if it’s via message.

During the divorce, the foundations of our life change. While being dazed yourself, the child needs extra sensitivity on the part of the parents. They need to feel that you are there for talks and comfort and that you can hear what the child feels and wants. The child also needs to maintain a sense of control during the change and feel involved in the decisions that are made. Responsiveness also includes sensing when you need to lift the responsibility from the child’s shoulders and assuring them that the adults will take responsibility for creating a calm and predictable life. Think child first!

For the child, the family remains after the separation

It is important that the parents themselves get back on their feet after the divorce in order for them to be able to be empathetic and harbour the child’s feelings. Regardless of whether parents live together or apart, the parenting is therefore influenced by how the parents are doing together. Lack of support and trust, just like conflicts between parents, has consequences for the child’s relationship with each of them.

When the parental relationship eats energy, it is more difficult to give attention to the child. It is crucial for the child that the parents take care of each other or at least create a family in which one does not damage each other. From the child’s perspective, a family continues to be a family and parents even after the divorce. You, your ex and your children, are still a family even if you don’t live together.  Because children feel best if there are two pairs of eyes with slightly different starting points that see them.

The separation means that you should end your love relationship and instead put effort into becoming a team with a common goal: to build a safe parenting for your child. When you put the child first, you give the child the best conditions to grow and thrive.

Parents play a crucial role in children’s lives. You continue to be a full-time parent after the divorce, regardless of whether the child lives with you part-time, part-time or not at all. You are, and always will be, the hub that the child’s life revolves around.

In the Varannan Vecka app, you can continue to build the parent relationship and create security and structure around the children.

Elisabeth Scholander